i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
