What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize