You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
