I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
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