Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
