"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
