Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
