btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
