I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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