Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
