I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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