why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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