is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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