get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
