____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Can Purell be used as lube?
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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