i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
