Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
