I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
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