I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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