Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
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My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
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Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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