I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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