He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
