those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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