so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
