I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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