i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Is it because I queefed?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
