This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Randomize
