When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?