when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
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i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
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Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...