im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.