either way he was missing a nipple.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
