just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
