I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
