god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Let's paint friendship bongs
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The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job