my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
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