The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet