I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
