She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
i've created a new STD.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
