I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Randomize
