Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
