It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
