Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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