im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
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He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
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Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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