Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
