tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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