Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
