I accidentally had phone sex last night
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
