Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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