my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
