I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
