Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
