Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
