i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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