The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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