Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
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