Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
PANTIES FOUND
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