I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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