I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
