I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Randomize
