And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i think my mom watched the whole time
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
