And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
