3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
