no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
cat food counts as protein by the way
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
