WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
